Untitled - Simple plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Frustration...

It kinda sux to know that i have to report back to camp tomorrow morning for guard duty. There are a several things in my mind thats gnawing away at my brain. i'm irritated to bits and wish i could just switch off. i don even know where to begin lamenting if i were to even start in the first place. i just feel like thrashing the keyboard and vent my frustration typing some nonsense. Who knows maybe those irritating bugs might just disappear... Shit la.. who am i kidding, if it they were so easy to get rid of, those rich authors of best selling self-help books would all be out of jobs.

i don't need any "learn to love yourself" books or any of the likes. i just want to liberate myself! by that i don't mean i'm gonna run around orchard road stalk naked and make the next headline. i just wish there was some one who i can just scream my head off with. Humans are such oxymoronic creatures, we wish so much to have company when we are alone and we wish so much to be alone when it gets too loud. We say things but mean another, do things which we know are wrong and yet continue doing it, hurt the people we love too easily and too frequently, but can be so understanding, polite and nice to others. see what i mean? no? i better stop my list before i dwell into another of Pandora's box.

Being in the army sux. its just a plain pain in the ass. People gotta understand that, especially those of the fairer sex and all those who claim to have testicles but do not have the balls to go through it. many a times people do not understand that its not fun and games in the army. We NSFs have our own fair share of worries and stress too. i'm making a cry out for all those who are forced to wear green. i cannot emphasize more on how it just sux to be in the army. for all those out there with relatives, friends in the army, please spare a little more thought for them. its sickening enough with the miserable time we have during the weekends and we still have to think about the army. its very frustrating to know that you have so many things to do but so little time. the last thing you would want is people who do not understand your situation or should i say predicaments. time is very precious to us, every second is precious. all i can say is that do not mess with our time.

lets focus and not digress further. where was i? oh yes, me and my crap. Crap... my mind just went blank on me. there are just too many things on my mind right now and i think its overloading. how i hope i could just switch off and knock myself out. i just wanna scream! i dunno about anyone else but have u ever come to a point in life where u just wanna launch yourself out of the window and hope the ground below would swallow you up whole and there will not be anymore shit. well thats not gonna happen because you are just gonna create more shit. i wish there was some one i can talk to who understands. i dunno what the hell i'm doing blogging with the few hours i have left. frustration is building up again, i'm gonna explode soon. i better go do something about my sudden cough before i cough my damn lungs out. hmmm maybe running around orchard road like our first man is not such a bad idea after all... anyone interested?

Seek, save and serve...

well here i am again, back again... its nice to book out on friday, although its just a few hours different but it makes a world of difference. Being in the school of military medicine for 1 week has given me a great insight on the life of a medic. i'm totally learning the opposite of what i've learnt in BMT. to put it simply, i learnt how to kill, now i'm learning how to save lives. how ironic... the company's best shot will now be shooting injections instead, which reminds me!

My I.V is coming next week!!! argh!!!! goodness the toughest part of the course. People out there, pls pray for my buddy, not me. pray that he is a marksman, one shot hit my vein. if not.... i don wanna think about it.... just pray ok?

hmmm... have i found my calling? well only time will tell, at least the path i'm walking now is a nice and educational one. its great to know that i'm learning a set of skills that might come in handy one day, a set of skills that will enable me to make a difference.

19 June 2005...

Well today is my last day of leave. There goes the longest break i will ever have in my army life. hmmm i was just recollecting what i did for the past week and i wouldnt say it was a wasted week nor was it a very effective week. i'm glad i achieve stuffs which i planned to do. however my room is still messy! darn.. need to get it tidy up asap...

tomorrow is gonna be the start of my training as a combat medic. i heard several extreme stories from both side but i will just remain as neutral as possible. i will concentrate on the process and the outcome will take care of itself. hey it beats going back to Tekong, that i can be sure of. haha... no offence to all my friends going back to that island.

i dunno how to describe my feelings, but well i guess i learnt how to block out emotions. i try not to get too happy or too sad about stuff lest something bad happens. crap.... i don't even know what i'm writing. Emotions.... what a chore....

i hope i can come back this weekend, pray that there is no confinement, no guard duty! come back this weekend pia Maple!

I'll go where You point...

So today is posting day... the long awaited day where we would finally find out whether our actions in BMT has come back to huant us or help us. i got posted to Nee Soon camp, my vocation is a combat medic. i have no idea whether its good or bad, i shall just go and find out for myself. ok enough said. On the other hand, i have a few tips for aspiring officers to be.

1. When doing the computer test at CMPB, give it your best. DO NOT fall asleep while doing it. Believe me this test determines your life or the next 2 years.

2. During BMT, volunteer to be the IC. this is a MUST! if you don't want to be seen as a wayang, try to get yourself volunteered by others, its the same. Do so during field camp as well, theres added points if you are an IC for field camp.

3. When you are an IC, be confident. Learn your commands properly. Give them in a loud and clear voice.

4. This one is important! One must learn when to open and keep your mouth shut. however this varies from person to person, because if u just don close your mouth, they might get sick of u and send u straight to OCS.

5. lastly, always always flirt with the instructors. by that i mean keep talking to them, make a fool of yourself. Act cute, tok cock, do everything to make yourself noticed. just be more vocal and open that bloody mouth!!!

Yoke Leng came over today. i was supposed to go out with her but she got some last minute seminar to attend so she just came over. i was really super touched by the stuff she bought for me. she bought me 3 presents altogether. seeing the effort she put in the presents was present enough. imagine writing birthday wishes and small messages on every star that she folded. i was truely touched...

Lion's Trail...

The gathering of the Hawkers. We met up for some national education tour today, it was not as bad as i thought it would be. it was in fact actually pretty informative. The tour included visits to the Bedok NEWater plant, the Johor battery which is actually a giant monsterous cannon and lastly to the Changi Museum.

The tour guide for the NEWater plant was very funny, his ability to talk in different accent was pretty amusing. there were computer games to play and we were given a bottle of NEWater with sling attached as well! How cool was that! Hey what good is a sling if u don use it right? So as practical people, we conveniently sling the bottle around our neck, and what a sight it was. Fully trained soldiers slinging water bottles like little kids, skipping around the plant. this is something you don't see everyday. I guess we just miss our younger days when we were in primary school.

The visit to the Changi Museum was an eye opener. it was a museum depicting the lives of POWs during the Japanese occupation. The atmosphere was solemn as we walked through the museum. there were several graphic pictures showing chopped off heads. Anyway, i guess we were all kinda enlightened by this trip.

So after the trip, des, lim, jw, buddy and me went to TM for dinner and also to catch Batman Begins. We had dinner at pasta mania before the show. I met jia li at TM too, what a small world. it was a good show, i don't encourage the kids to go watch it coz it might be boring for them. this story line shows more of his origins and how Batman came about. the show has a deep story line focusing more on the character of Bruce Wayne to how he trained and finally to how he became Batman. The touch of humour lightens the show and made this 2 hour plus show even more enjoyable. So if you are a fan, u must definitely catch it, but if u are not, it might make u one.

"To conquer fear, you must become fear itself"

The good old days...

On realizing that I am becoming a couch potato, i decided to get my butt off the chair and pay my dear friend Melvyn a visit. As i would put it, its tradition for me to buy a yellow watermelon when i go visiting. So i proceeded to NTUC to get myself a watermelon and was enlightened at the same time. Remember seeing those uncles and aunties, when buying watermelons, they would bring the fruit up to their ears and gently tap it. They always tell us that thats a way to choose a good watermelon, i am always fascinated by their advance level of intelligence to be able to tell a yummy watermelon from a not so yummy one. Thus i came up with a scientific explanation to this. Tapping produces sound waves which are longitudinal and since a watermelon is well, made up mostly of water, it amplifies these sound waves. By applying a constant force in the tapping, we would hear different loudness of it at the other end. Hence a louder sound would mean a watermelon is juicier than one which produces a softer sound. So i put my theory to work and started tapping and discovered that they all sound the same, the only thing that came out of this was the curious stare from people walking by wondering what the heck this boy is doing choosing watermelons after watermelons which are as bald as his head. In the end i concluded that those aunties and uncles are of a higher life form and hurried out of the super market.

And yes Melvyn, its been almost 4 years since i last went to his house. Ah... Being there again brings back memories of childhood, of the time when we were young and mischievous, without a care in the world. Running around his condo like mad monkeys trying to catch each other only to realized that melvyn and i had secretly snug up to his house to seek refuge from our predators. anyway we just chat and chat for the entire day, stopping to catch our breadth and to watch his brother play "Halo2" which i heard is the 100th time he is playing so he knows exactly where each enemy is coming out. it was a nice visit, just chatting with him.

After that i met Yipin for dinner at katong. it was like another trip down memory lane, looking at shops along tanjong katong road, seeing how much things had changed since we were last here. The 7-eleven where we would buy cup noodles and just sit there on the floor to eat. Katong News Agency KNA for short where u could get the cheapest Pokemon cards. it all seemed so recent yet so far away. how time really flies, age is really catching up. We went to watch Madagasca after dinner. its a rather short but extremely funny show. I especially love the psychotic penguins and i'm convince that they will take over the world.

"just smile and wave boys" - penguins

The bedrock of our army...

From the land and the sea
We will strike our enemies
They have called us the queen of the battle field

We are brothers in arms
We are brothers proud to be
We are the first the one and only infantry.

Indeed we have been through great pain to earn the right to finally be called soldiers of Singapore. Yes, thats kinda cheesy and definitely patriotic but hey at least the SAF would be happy to know it has done its part to instill patriotism. singing the infantry song brought tears to many, it was a touching sight to see man (I'm still uncertain about this) in green crying.

I'm sure in a few weeks time, I will revert back to cursing the government for ever setting up the SAF and wasting 2 years of my life but before this happens, at this point of time when the pride of being a soldier has not fade away, I want to say good luck to all my platoon mates on your next posting. Be it the mundane life of an officer or an exciting life as a clerk.

Lastly, a quote that my platoon has been shouting before gulping water down our throats,
"pride is temporary, pain is forever." hmmm or was it suppose to be the other way around...

POP...

After 6 rehersals in the blistering sun and lots of "is that clear", the big day has finally arrived. The last thing anyone wanted was to put the wet weather plan into action, or at least most of us wanted a normal programe. anyway to say that time really flies would be cliche but the last 2 months flew past. and yes, i had a painfully great time in BMT, but alas all good things must come to an end and it did with a POP!

it was a bitter sweet ending to our lives as chao recruits. Torrents of mixed emotions were exuded. i don't know if it was because i will never get to live under the same roof as those funky bunch of people or was it because i am going to part with my beloved that made me kind of sad. BMT is an experience like no other, we came in as untrained civilians, from all walks of lives but for one purpose, to serve our country. its not about being the best or wayang-ing the most or chiong-ing the most, in the end what really matters are the memories of fighting along side one another and the friendship that was forged that are most valuable. yes there are times when you would just wanna load your rifle and blow someone's sorry ass into oblivion but all theses grudges come to nothing. i've learn to accept, forgive and forget and life would be a lot better if we just love everyone.

Its true there are lots of times when i wished all of these would come to an end fast but upon reaching the last week of BMT, i can't help but want it to come to a standstill. life seemed pretty nice when u spend your weekdays with those dudes and your weekends at home. there were no worries or what to wear, what to eat, what to do, etc... life was just simply simple.

There were sad moments during POP as well. A grand ceremony was conducted to present our rifles to us, it was an honour to be entrusted with her. however all that pride and everything about taking care of her came crashing down when they were all mercilessly dumped into a tonner like refugees without a home. indeed it was almost painful to watch recruits fling their rifles without so much as a goodbye when she has been along side them through thick and thin till the very end. i'm not sure about anyone else but i have feelings for my rifle, she aided me through live range (without a single I.A), field camp, sit test and my drill competition. we spent hours cleaning her and making sure she doesn't rust. i was reluctant to part with her but i had to, it was more of her being torn from me than me returning her. when i was given another to use during drills training, the feeling was just not right, not only me but everyone who got a different rifle said so too. In my final moments with her, i kissed her goodbye (i really did) and silently pray that the next chao recruit will not man-handle her. i even made special request to my sergeants and PC to ensure she is well taken care off, after all she is an award winning rifle.

"安靜"

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天

睡著的大提琴

安靜的舊舊的

我想你已表現的非常明白

我懂我也知道

你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信

牽著你陪著我

也只是曾經

希望他是真的比我還要愛你

我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪

我根本不想分開

為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過

我沒有這種天份

包容你也接受他

不用擔心的太多

我會一直好好過

你已經遠遠離開

我也會慢慢走開

為什麼我連分開都遷就著你

我真的沒有天份

安靜的沒這麼快

我會學著放棄你

是因為我太愛你

Sigh...

Haiz.. with the condition i'm in right now, i'm reminded of the matrix. our brain controls our everything, even the taste of food. our brain tells us the taste of different kinds of food that we had already eaten before. this sure comes in handy when ur nose is totally blocked. when you are unable to smell anything, your sense of taste is also nullified. believe me its horrible to lose your sense of taste and smell, i feel that i'm already disabled. hence thats when your brain comes in handy, i remind myself of how an apple taste like and imagine the taste. seriously, it doesn't really give u the full wholesome taste of an apple but hey, a little taste is better than nothing. it beats having everything taste like air.

ahh! yes i finally got myself a new graphic card. i reformatted my comp yesterday, then i realized i did not backup my movies! now its all gone... haiz... i've still yet to solve my downloading speed problem. dammit i can't download anything! i feel disabled again... arghhh........ oh well i shall enjoy my new graphic card! back to playing lego star wars!!

From boys to men? hmmm...

I'm beginning to have my doubts in the SAF. Parents bid their sons farewell knowing that the army will treat their sons well and eventually transform them into man. However after the recent OC night and recruits night, i am beginning to see how putting so much men together have an adverse effect.

One of the highlights of both nights were the prestigious "Miss Hawk" contest. We had to transform an unwilling friend into a female. After much deliberation and strigent selection, the honour was bestowed on Zhe Rui. Well its mainly because he has legs which would make any girl jealous. Long, slender and hairless legs... it was almost perfect.....

As days past and rehersals after rehersals to prepare for recruits night, a sinister but subtle fog began to decend on my platoon. The constant screams and struggle to add "fe" into "male" began to fade. Now everyone wanted to become "Miss Hawk". We came up with ingenious ways to improvise our limited resources. Balled up socks for breasts, bed sheets for skirts, garters for bra straps, camo netting as bras, camo cream as eye shadow, etc... Soon everyone wanted a go to see how pretty they would look. We started to cross dress each other and taking photos to immortalise our outrageous transformation. Think 1.8m guy with long curly hair, loop-sided breasts holding a basket skipping down the corridor. Thats not something u see everyday....

Sounds unbelievable? I have photo evidence to prove it. so till i get the photos uploaded, keep on imagining... By the way, did i mention how fun it was to cross dress?

Attn C...

i'm back on attn C status... sick, sick, sick.... i'll pia a bit more to blog this lest i get too lazy tomorrow.. hey whats this compared to what i endured yesterday. i've realized it takes a certain amount of skill to be on attn C status. One must learn the skill of being sick but not very sick. reason being, if you have a high fever, its off to the sick bay and u will be put on drip, however if ur temperature falls between 37 to 38 degrees celcius, and u are kinda able to walk, u'll likely be send home. anyway, i kinda shocked the medic with the number of sickness i have... i filled up the sick slip with conditions like, fever, throat infection, flu, sore eyes, rashes, sprained toe, ankle, knee and my fascinating blistered feet... seriously, i think i have leprosy... i'm coughing blood too.... hmmm... am i really ok? oh what a coincident, while on my way home today, i met her at the tampines library.. haha it was nice after so long... she walked me home... haha think i must be in quite a rough shape...

well the 24km route march is finally over... guess i should be pretty proud of myself since i completed it despite of my predicaments... i was really about too give up after 16km already, if it wern't for my PC, sergeant and my friends, i would have thrown in the towel.. it was supposed to be a fun march but its hard to feel that when the more i march the sicker i got.

Monday was recruits night and guess what! My company was champion in the performance!!! Rox la! we put in our best and our efforts paid off. it was a fun night with additional performance from the SAF's Music and dance company and yes its true that its made up of mostly gays... scary... oh, remember Benjamin yeo from Singapre Idol? he was there performing too, apparantly he is also part of the SAF MDC.

My eyes are getting puffy again.. i guess i should go sleep already... thanks so much for sending me home today... lastly kudos to Hawk company and especially to platoon 3! ! !